S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

Currently, I'm feeling a little conflicted. A little confused. A little hurt. A little upset. A little mad. A lot tired and ready for bed.

I'm tired of sitting down at the end of my day and saying the same thing, "Today has been a long day," or "Today has been a crap day." Once, just once, I want to sit down, at the end of my day, and say "Today has been a great day. So much was accomplished today, wow, I am so amazed."
This isn't to say that I don't have good days, not at all. I just want GREAT DAYS!!! Know what I mean? I want days that really encourage me to go to bed at night so I can wake up and have a new one just like it all over again. I want days filled with awesome growth and accomplishment, and awesome thriving relationships.
I think that's where I'd like to camp out right now. Relationships. My relationships are going everywhere. I don't understand them. Obviously, if you read my last post, I'm searching for a more personal relationship right now, which isn't really growing in a direction that I understand at the moment. The catch with that is that I have more than just that one relationship, however I think most of my relationships are growing in a direction I don't like or understand too.
I'm feeling estranged and disconnected from a lot of my friends. I always figured that as college went on, I would grow closer to the people around me, but lately it seems the people I love and cherish the most just aren't available when I need them. Whether that unavailability comes from their own choosing, or simply unfortunate circumstances, I don't know. All I can really say is that I wish those friendships were more rockin' awesome than they are now.

God, thank you for the patience to make it through this day. Thank you for the quick wit and wisdom you have provided me. I know it plays off as a vanity, but God I see it as a source of your strength in place of my weakness, and so I thank you for your strength. God, it has been a long time since I went to bed at night after a great and productive day, in love with life. I pray you grant me days like this. Please God, give me these days so I can praise you even more.
I believe that I have followed you, my Lord, and that I have trusted and sought after your side, your direction, and your leadership as Lord of my life. I know also, God, that I prayed you would humble my spirit, discipline my heart, and break my will so that I could be recreated in your spirit. I believed and expected Father that you would show me love, protect me, and enable me to serve your purpose. Yet, when I conclude all things at the end of the day, I feel lost, disconnected, like something is wrong.
God, I pray to you now that you would continue to discipline my heart, transform my mind, humble my spirit, and break my will. God, it's painful, but I so desire to be recreated to serve you. Please, God, recreate me and enable me to accomplish the ordinary, so that I would look to you and your power to bring about all the extraordinary things this life has to offer me.
Thank you God, I love you.

good night

'Cause suicide is painless, it brings on many changes

Lately, I've struggled with doing things for me. I want to do something for some one else, so I jump into it. Forgive me, this isn't really going to be a logical or coherent thought, and it may come across rather unpolished. So for now, just accept that I need to start re-committing things back to myself.

I've been having odd dreams lately. I'll pick on Friday night. I dreamt I was going back to Romania. It was amazing. I got to see all the loved ones I have in Bucharest, and I had the whole summer ahead of me.
It reminds me of a crazy dream that I have that, I guess, I'll let out into the open. I would love the opportunity to go to Romania and teach. I would love to spend a summer in Romania, learning the language, loving the people, and edifying the body. Before I left for Romania I had this crazy idea that I could do just that next summer. The last night there Soterius (pastor of AlfaOmega) asked me if my dad (who he found out was a professor) would be interested in coming to Romania to teach basic bible classes in a university type setting. I can't exactly speak for my dad, although we did talk about this and he wasn't opposed to the idea, however I know that if that opportunity was presented to me I would have my bags packed the next day.
So, there it is. God, I would love to go to Romania and teach about You. If You want this too, make it happen. I love you.

I've also had a multitude of different things happening in the past few days/weeks. As my previous post (two, actually...) would indicate, I am now working at FBC Belton. I'm interning with Jason Goings, the Assistant Pastor and College and Missions Minister. Today was my first day. It was a crazy long one, I spent four hours trying to acclimated to the atmosphere of FBC Belton, but I'm starting to like it. When I was a youth I wanted to do youth ministry, now as a college student I'm getting to do college ministry from an intern's perspective, so maybe when I'm more grown than now I'll get to do adult ministry.
To be completely honest, I feel called and gifted into teaching and pastoral ministry. God has granted me an amazing mind that can think and learn and understand and teach, and a heart that desires to disciple the lost and the church, and I want to use those gifts for Him, for Christ's Body. I wish I could jump up and say college ministry is the passion of my heart, but honestly ministering to those around me, feeling and meeting their needs, and struggling to figure out how to persevere in Christ is really my passion. So, if along the way, I get to work with college students, it'll be okay.

Something else that has been flying around has been the issue/idea/topic of dating. More specifically, "pursuing a girl." If I had a quarter for every time I have heard a girl say to me this semester "I want a boy to pursue me...You're the boy, so pursue her...As the man in the relationship, it is the man's job to pursue the woman..." I once -- 10th grade, mind you -- had the bold notion of recording my thoughts on the art of pursuing girls, yet it never quite came to fruition. Por que no? I was too lazy. Last night, though, I put away some serious thought in this direction, and I ended up going a little deeper than what I'm ready for. Although, I haven't followed my thoughts out to their logical end yet, so maybe my MO is somewhere along the way of the biblical pursuit of a woman. I don't know. Just a thought. I can say this much, though, when I do figure out more of this, I'll be sure to post it here. For now, I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, and figure them out along the way.

And finally, I'm starting to discover that blogging is something very cathartic for me. I used to be in such a great habit of blogging constantly, however with the uprising of MySpace and the downfall of Xanga I fell out of the saddle. Today I discovered that Daniel Rowe makes a concerted effort to blog just about once a day and I was jealous. Even as I am typing, I'm realizing that blogging is a good way to purge troublesome thoughts from the soul, and write out my problems into words to grasp them more tangibly. He made the comment "I get paid to blog," and I suddenly realized the need I have for consistency and positive habits in my life. Maybe not patterns, but discipline. I have a strong need to fill a lackadaisical hole in my life with discipline, and I'd like to think that blogging could be one piece to what is missing.

Thank you