So, I've recently been overcome by thoughts about dating. Dating, relationships, marriage, and even having children. Yes, spawn of my own. Brace yourself, World.
Jerry Seinfeld once said "Make no mistake, these babies are here to replace us." Very humorous. But, I think my thinking begins with the question "Do I want to have children? Do I want to raise a son or a daughter?" I think my answer would then be, "Yeah, some day." The best way I see fit to raise a child is with a healthy, balanced relationship between both mother and father (yes, this is extremely idealistic, especially in today's sub-atomic families, but please bear with me). So what does this mean to me? If I want a child, the best way to raise him or her is within a relationship very similar to marriage. Okay, I can deal with that.
So, I guess then I would have to get married. Let me be very transparent -- I LOVE THAT IDEA. But let me very transparent once more -- MARRIAGE SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I'll paint you an example:
I started off the summer very possessive of the affections of one (1) particular girl, and had the singular ambition of pursuing her through the course of summer leading into a more-than-just-friends relationship. Now I'm not so sure I want to even get married (unless to have good kids. of course). Okay. In a few months' (actually weeks') time I've moved from desiring this one (1) particular girl to being skiddish at the mere thought of a forever relationship. Now, duh, these aren't exactly polar opposites. But, my likes and dislikes in regards to relationships have changed from an interest in a girl who seemed pretty ideal to possibly remaning single and celebate for life. If my heart can move that much from May to mid-July, who knows what it'll do over the course of a marriage, which is forever? Certainly not I; I figured I would be half-way endeared into her heart by now.
So, the point of this scenario is that I'm not ready for marriage yet, and thus I'm a bit scared of it, and rushing into it. Therefore, I don't really feel like chasing after a sincere, serious, more-than-just-friends relationship. I'm not scared of that relationship, I just don't want it right now, sorta...
So, what options am I left with? I don't know. Let's see. I like people, I like meeting new people, I like getting to know new people, I like spending time with familiar faces, I enjoy going on dates, I enjoy the flirting and the coy responses and the thrill of the "hunt," so clearly I could do some dating if I wanted. But, what kind of dating do I do? I can't go back on all that I've just said. Maybe just casual dating? Does that work? What does casual dating involve?
I don't know.
I don't think I've ever investigated the idea of casual dating. I've seen movies and TV shows that depict it, but I've never really ventured out into it. I think I might like it, really. I'm not looking for huge commitment -- hence the previous about marriage. I don't feel like I really need somebody to bolster me emotionally or socially -- I've got great friends that support me emotionally and I'm social enough on my own to have a good time. I don't really feel like I'm in that great of a position right now to be a spiritual leader in a relationship -- that's not to say my spiritual life or "walk with God" is shipwrecked, I just mean it in that I'm a bit of A Work in Progress myself, so I don't know just yet if I'm cut out for leading another person in that role. So, yeah, casual dating? Maybe it's for me? What would I do in a casual dating relationship? What approach would I take to it?
"Hi, my name's Geoff. We know each other decently well enough, would you like to hang out sometime? Maybe we could have coffee, tea, enjoy Happy Hour at Sonic, or dinner sometime? My intentions are much like my expectations -- I want to get to know you better. What do you say?"
So, tell me what you think, please. I'm not saying this is my final resolution on dating, because as I've already said my opinion has changed from May to now, it can very well change from now to tomorrow. But, this is where my thinking has left me lately. Not hungrily anticipating the next serious relationship I can get myself into, but interested in all the learning opportunities of life still to come my way.
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6 comments:
Geoff-
Wowza...my brain is now doing flips trying to settle my thoughts on this. Uh...I think I am going to have to make a post of my own to say all of my thoughts. To sum it up though, I have always thought of casual dating as I nice idea....too bad it has always been an IDEA. The problem is finding someone else who you actually wish to get to know better that is okay with the idea of casual dating. I have even had a casual dating experience a time or two, but it always turns into a relationship with all the expectations, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. It takes two very mature and satisfied people to be able to casual date, people who aren't constantly looking for more. With the right person, I am all about the casual dating...
maybe this makes sense, maybe not.
i think i am going to go blog about this now :D
have a good day geoff!
I agree with Kelsey. It takes mature people to be able to casually date without looking for something more serious. Good luck with that. I looked up this quote for you... it's one of my favorites.
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment." -Pride and Prejudice
Ha. Yeah, I realize I was no help. Ok, my advice would be stop overthinking it! It isn't going to be 'casual' if you analyze it so much before you do it.
I've never attempted casual dating... actually, I've never attempted dating. :D But I'm with Glynis and Kelsey on this one. It takes mature people to try casual dating, without any expectations of it turning into something more. I will say this, though... most of the girls I know at this age are looking for someone to settle down with. Just keep that in mind, and make sure that the girl knows that you're not looking for a full-blown relationship.
That being said, Glynis is right. Don't analyze this too much! It's okay to be scared of a full-blown relationship; lots of guys I know are (and lots of girls I know are). Just be careful. You don't want to break your heart or someone else's. Even though I know you'd never do that intentionally, it can happen pretty easily.
A penny for my thoughts would be way overpriced:
The purpose of dating is marriage.
The idea of getting to know someone is to see if they would be someone you would want to keep getting to know as the years passed. That's the idea.
So. One must be interested in a person initially and then yes, go on a date or two and see if this is sincerely someone you want to keep dating/getting to know. But sincerely dating is not casual once it becomes plural due to the mere idea that we are human and have hearts that tend to be way too vulnerable. So to say that you wanted to just date someone with no pretense or goal is to treat them not as human but as a "toy" (horrible word, but it conveys the idea). If you are interested in anything more than friend, that is what it becomes a relationship. I think it is inevitable to continue dating someone and it not turn into a relationship.
But just remember in all things guard your heart. Be intentional. Don't expect anything or else you will feel deserted and end up hurt, not because this person failed, but because you unrealistically set the ideas upon them and expected them to be met.
Relationships are a lot of work. But wonderful. And if you truly want casual then you want friendship. But don't make it exclusive. Because the moment you do, it most likely will turn into a relationship.
leah really did used to be poor. way to laugh at her past bad fortune. oopsie...
and the kelsey above is not me. this is kelsey cook... maybe you knew that.
and now here's my response to your post.
i think being at UMHB makes people crazy. you're only 20? 19? and you really don't have to get married for years. however long you want. you could wait until you're 35. or older. if you don't think you want to be in a committed relationship with one person right now, then don't...
there are a lot of people at our school who get engaged really young, and really early in their relationship. it's an easy atmosphere to get obsessed in.
if your satisfaction is coming from the Lord, then you won't feel the need to satisfy yourself with a long term relationship, OR with casual dating... whatever you want to do will just be what you do. so i think it's something that you can just take in stride. don't worry about it right now... because if you fall in love with a girl, you'll probably want to get married to her. but if you don't, then you'll just casually date. and either is fine.
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