Lonely Day

Life has a funny way of picking you up, right after it's nailed you right in bollocks. Just when it's looked you square in the eye, knocked you to the bottom rung, laughed at your defeat, it turns around and offers a helping hand to get you back up there.

I won't lie -- I feel like my life sucks every morning when I wake up. I feel cheated, I feel robbed, I feel lonely, I feel depressed, I feel confused, I feel angry, I feel desire; I feel like the life I'm living shouldn't be mine, or isn't mine at all. Like it belongs to some one else, but I'm just holding it for him or her until they can get back to me and reclaim it. I feel like I'm just a place holder, no more than a bookmark in the story of some one else's life, holding their place until they can finish.
Maybe that's true. Maybe that's what I've been designed to be, for now. Maybe that's the purpose God has called me to, to hold people's lives in place until they can finish on their own. That would be nice, that kind of service, but I believe there's more to my life than that. After all, the bookmark has a story too, right?
But to continue my thought, I'm hitting rock bottom on a weekly basis now. This isn't some inescapable, unpassable, unclimable wall. This is the rock bottom. And most days, when I've hit rock bottom, I just stay there until some one gives me a jack hammer and says get to work. And some days, let's use today as an example, I'm handed a giant earthmover and told I need to go extra deep, extra fast.
However, the days that make me want to go to sleep at night just so I can wake up in the morning are also days like today. Days when I've been drilling to what may be the very core of what I have left, and God just smiles. His smile is enough to stop me from where I'm going, and push me in the other direction.
I'm reminded of the movie "A Knight's Tale," when Geoffrey Chaucer is introducing our favorite protagonist, and he says "Days like these are far too rare to cheapen with heavy-handed words." My day today is far too rare, far too precious, far too much a jewel for me to give over with exuberant expressions that don't convey the depth and beauty. I know in a few years I'll look back and know that this whole time God had His hand under me, carrying me daily, but right now this day is complete enough for me.