So few words...

In all actuality, I have quite a few words, and just not the time to express them.

My prayer is this, short and simple: "God, you are surprised by NONE of this. You have given me everything I need, help me to see to live a wholistic life. You did not create fragments, you created whole beings. Help me to live a wholistic life."

Or at least, it's something along those lines. I won't lie, there is exteme joy in my life. And I love it. But there also is some tension, some sadness, and some confusion. I don't aim to let those dilute my joy, but I don't aim to forget them either. Really, I just want to love more, and love better through all of the tension, sadness, and confusion.
I guess I should say/pray this: "God, teach me and show me how to live a life that brings you more glory, and protect me from the evil one."
I guess, really, I should just pray: "God, teach me how to pray. Please."

Amen.

How can I keep from singing your praise?

My title has very little to do directly with this blog. This will just be a short snippet about prayer. Lately, I've realized I have a lot of free time on my hands. So with that free time, I've decided to invest it in prayer for my friends. I have friends that are in Belton, Boerne, New Braunfels, Austria, Africa, at home, away, here, there, and yon. I feel like the least I can do is pray for them for encouragement and protection, but if I have the opportunity to do better, I will.
So last night, as I was talking to Meg Roe, I asked her if there were specific things that I could pray for her for. It was in the middle of me asking this that this quote, more or less, fell out of my mouth:

"My prayers aren't mechanic, they are organic. You aren't some cog in my prayer machine, you are a seed that has been planted in my prayer garden. I'm wanting to learn how to care and pray for you better, more effectively."

I don't know how you feel about it, but I figured I should at least tell somebody. Plus, if I write it down, I'll have a harder time forgetting.
Thanks guys :)

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

Currently, I'm feeling a little conflicted. A little confused. A little hurt. A little upset. A little mad. A lot tired and ready for bed.

I'm tired of sitting down at the end of my day and saying the same thing, "Today has been a long day," or "Today has been a crap day." Once, just once, I want to sit down, at the end of my day, and say "Today has been a great day. So much was accomplished today, wow, I am so amazed."
This isn't to say that I don't have good days, not at all. I just want GREAT DAYS!!! Know what I mean? I want days that really encourage me to go to bed at night so I can wake up and have a new one just like it all over again. I want days filled with awesome growth and accomplishment, and awesome thriving relationships.
I think that's where I'd like to camp out right now. Relationships. My relationships are going everywhere. I don't understand them. Obviously, if you read my last post, I'm searching for a more personal relationship right now, which isn't really growing in a direction that I understand at the moment. The catch with that is that I have more than just that one relationship, however I think most of my relationships are growing in a direction I don't like or understand too.
I'm feeling estranged and disconnected from a lot of my friends. I always figured that as college went on, I would grow closer to the people around me, but lately it seems the people I love and cherish the most just aren't available when I need them. Whether that unavailability comes from their own choosing, or simply unfortunate circumstances, I don't know. All I can really say is that I wish those friendships were more rockin' awesome than they are now.

God, thank you for the patience to make it through this day. Thank you for the quick wit and wisdom you have provided me. I know it plays off as a vanity, but God I see it as a source of your strength in place of my weakness, and so I thank you for your strength. God, it has been a long time since I went to bed at night after a great and productive day, in love with life. I pray you grant me days like this. Please God, give me these days so I can praise you even more.
I believe that I have followed you, my Lord, and that I have trusted and sought after your side, your direction, and your leadership as Lord of my life. I know also, God, that I prayed you would humble my spirit, discipline my heart, and break my will so that I could be recreated in your spirit. I believed and expected Father that you would show me love, protect me, and enable me to serve your purpose. Yet, when I conclude all things at the end of the day, I feel lost, disconnected, like something is wrong.
God, I pray to you now that you would continue to discipline my heart, transform my mind, humble my spirit, and break my will. God, it's painful, but I so desire to be recreated to serve you. Please, God, recreate me and enable me to accomplish the ordinary, so that I would look to you and your power to bring about all the extraordinary things this life has to offer me.
Thank you God, I love you.

good night

It's a Beautiful Day

Holy crap. I love those two words. Hmm.

It's good to be blogging again. I know I blogged early-early yesterday morning, but I feel as if I've lived a thousand lifetimes since then.
GOOD NEWS!!! I've put more thought to the whole "pursuing-a-girl" jazz. Umm, here it goes:

• I've started with prayer. Before I go to be at night, I pray. Before I get too far into my day, I pray. It's, uh, been interesting. My prayers have grown from "God, grant me the enabling to simply be a friend," to something much deeper and more intimate. I don't note this to build myself up and sound ultra-pious, but to let you know that I have grown. The depth to which God has grown me is a little too personal for a blog on the world wide web, but I have suddenly grown into a new relationship and understanding with God my Father. It's a relationship of sacrifice, because for all I know God may answer my prayer with a new direction, but it's a necessary step that must be taken.
• I've also learned a huge lesson in respect and self-control and patience. I know it's not fair for me to throw three of those into one like that, however they all just kind of came at me in one thought because I see how they are related. I'll try to divide and conquer so it's a little more easy to understand.
  When pursuing a girl and a lady and a woman of God, you have to understand before almost anything else that she is a person too, with her own story, her own friends, her own life, her own choices to make. The next step in that understanding is embracing respect for her story, her friends, her life, her choices. It then takes self-control and patience to constantly remind yourself NOT to monopolize and consume her time, and to respect how she chooses to interact with the above in her day-to-day.
• This leaves us with honesty. Honesty with yourself, honesty with her, honesty with God, honesty with your friends and her friends, and honesty with society at large. People aren't stupid, however they are prone to persuasion, and the more time and energy you invest in some one the more easily he or she will be persuaded to perceive care and concern on your part. If it is real, and genuine, then honesty will continue to carry the relationship on to wherever it leads. If it is misinterpreted and wrong, then honesty will steer the relationship to its next point in life. At either end of the spectrum, honesty is huge.

I don't know if you can get anything out of this, but it's just what I've come across and discovered in the past couple of days. Please don't be fooled into thinking that because I have discovered these joys that I am putting them into practice and "perfecting my craft" (it's an expression, not a statement of fact), almost the opposite; I would actually want to urge you to understand that my story has been one of struggle, one of sacrificing my pride and interests for the betterment of the relationship, and in their place I have chased after the elements mentioned above.
Having said all of this, there is a very obvious elephant in the room. If this post has lead you to the assuming question that perhaps I am speaking from recent, practical experience, then yes is your answer.

To change topics slightly, this should not be much longer, I am tired. I have not been sleeping as much as need be in the past few nights, and I think my contact lenses have been out of my eyes more than 8 hours once in the last 12 days. Tonight, I want to go to bed early, and sleep well.
I've noticed that with the steady decline in my sleep I've also seen a noticable increase in my agitation come daybreak, and a decrease in my performance in my academic, social, and physical endeavors (the day-to-day hustle and bustle) and I hope that by committing to more sleep tonight that I can awake refreshed and restrengthened for a new, beautiful day. That's what I strive for, and I think after all things are stripped away from today, I can say with honesty that it has been a beautiful day.

Lonely Day

Life has a funny way of picking you up, right after it's nailed you right in bollocks. Just when it's looked you square in the eye, knocked you to the bottom rung, laughed at your defeat, it turns around and offers a helping hand to get you back up there.

I won't lie -- I feel like my life sucks every morning when I wake up. I feel cheated, I feel robbed, I feel lonely, I feel depressed, I feel confused, I feel angry, I feel desire; I feel like the life I'm living shouldn't be mine, or isn't mine at all. Like it belongs to some one else, but I'm just holding it for him or her until they can get back to me and reclaim it. I feel like I'm just a place holder, no more than a bookmark in the story of some one else's life, holding their place until they can finish.
Maybe that's true. Maybe that's what I've been designed to be, for now. Maybe that's the purpose God has called me to, to hold people's lives in place until they can finish on their own. That would be nice, that kind of service, but I believe there's more to my life than that. After all, the bookmark has a story too, right?
But to continue my thought, I'm hitting rock bottom on a weekly basis now. This isn't some inescapable, unpassable, unclimable wall. This is the rock bottom. And most days, when I've hit rock bottom, I just stay there until some one gives me a jack hammer and says get to work. And some days, let's use today as an example, I'm handed a giant earthmover and told I need to go extra deep, extra fast.
However, the days that make me want to go to sleep at night just so I can wake up in the morning are also days like today. Days when I've been drilling to what may be the very core of what I have left, and God just smiles. His smile is enough to stop me from where I'm going, and push me in the other direction.
I'm reminded of the movie "A Knight's Tale," when Geoffrey Chaucer is introducing our favorite protagonist, and he says "Days like these are far too rare to cheapen with heavy-handed words." My day today is far too rare, far too precious, far too much a jewel for me to give over with exuberant expressions that don't convey the depth and beauty. I know in a few years I'll look back and know that this whole time God had His hand under me, carrying me daily, but right now this day is complete enough for me.