But I don't really feel fine.
I'm going to have to say something about this before it kills me inside and out. It's really bugging me.
One of my friends has, apparently, had a crush on my best friend for...quite a while now, evidently. I had no idea about it until sometime midway through last semester when I accidentally stumbled upon it. I shook it off and said it wouldn't change things and still kept on making every attempt at keeping the relationships normal.
Well, some time early this semester things got weird. All of a sudden, my best friend's schedule cleared right up and now he has plenty of time to spend hanging out with people. Well, seeing the opportunity and doing what any normal person with a crush would do, my other friend began to call my best friend nonstop to hang out.
Where does this leave me? Screwed, pretty much.
My best friend became free about the same time my year got really hectic, and all of a sudden I don't ever get to see anyone anymore. It gets worse, from my perspective, when every time I stumble upon either of these two friends they seem to be not far apart.
I don't want or mean to take away from their friendship, but I'm not an idiot. She's got it bad for him, and so she's going to make more of an effort for him, especially since she knows he's available and isn't tied down with class and other commitments on campus.
I'm happy that he's got free time, and I'm happy that she's getting to spend so much time with, evidently, the guy she's been dreaming of for quite some time now. The only thing is, I've been in the middle of this watching it happen, and now I'm left out. I've tried talking about it and addressing this specifically and all I've gotten is a "No, Geoff, things won't change, we'll still be friends." And yet, you know what? We're not. She does not even call me anymore.
Oh well. I guess if I wasn't a good enough friend for her to keep me around when things get tough for me and sweet for her, then I'm better off without her, but the thing is I really thought we were.
I'm not saying all these things to sign off a friendship that used to be pretty good, I'm just trying to get my feelings out. I've tried talking about this with several people, and quite honestly nobody wants to listen, or the people who do listen to me won't do anything about it to help me. I'm not fishing for pity and sympathy or encouragement or compliments or anything real specific of that nature, I just want to get it out and off my chest. Because right now, as it stands, I feel as if I've got one real friend left that I can talk with. And unfortunately, for the both of us, I can't tell him this secret. Because it's about him.
That
Just
Sucks
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Tomorrow is Another Day
Yeah, a country song for the title of my blog. Never thought I'd see the day.
So, recently I started wearing a purple wrist band (like the ones Lance Armstrong made with LIVESTRONG on it) that had 2:14 written. This is to remind me of Philippians 2:14, or to remind me not to complain or grumble. It's called the "2:14 Challenge," or something like that. You wear the wrist band around your wrist and the challenge is to go 21 days without grumbling or compaining -- the experts say it takes about 21 days to develop a habit. But, whenever you grumble or compain you're supposed to switch it over to the other wrist and start over on a new day 1.
So far I've made it to Day 1 about 8 times, but the good news is I'm only switching it about once a day. And if you've read any of my blog, you know I like to complain, so for me to be cutting back to about once a day is pretty good!
In the wonderful world of sports -- of which I am a fan, although somewhat passive -- the New England Patriots choked on the Super Bowl. Khang, say whatever you want about the Mavs or the Cowboys, but I'm pretty sure NEITHER of them ever blew a perfect season at the 'ship. Brag all you want about how you hate Dallas, but Brady and the boys had their chance to write their names on history and greatness, and instead they choked. There were no ridiculous fouls or penalties, they just gave it away.
The thing I'm looking forward to most in all of this after the fact that the Pats choked and lost, is all the cool commercials that will be coming out with Peyton and Eli. I mean, think about it. Two brothers win back-to-back Super Bowls. Don't tell me the media won't like that. We have Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade making commercials for T-Mobile because they've both played basketball at some point in their lives, we will be seeing something of the Manning brothers and their back-to-back rings.
In other news, I hate school. I have a class in just over an hour that is disastrous that I don't want to go to. Yeah. It sucks. Biblical Backgrouns. I guess now that I've complained about class it's time for me to switch my band.
I am also suffering through an epidemic with friends. Not just the usual sickness that is going around and extra-bad this year, but a lot of my friends are scattering off into weird places in life. Some have built relationships with people out of insecurity, some have become exclusive and snobbish, some have just become people I don't even know anymore. It's kind of sad, but I'm grateful and glad for the friends who are still here with me.
Thanks guys.
One thing that I've learned here recently is something Kevin said a while back. Life doesn't get easier. We have to get stronger. As we grow up and travel further through life, we have to get tougher or else we'll get knocked down and never get up. Instead of praying "God make tomorrow easier," we should be praying "God make me stronger for tomorrow." For a while now life has been too much of too much, and not enough of the things I'm needing. I've been praying "God make it easier on me" and "Why God, why?" a little too much and not enough of "God, please make me stronger for what is to come." I don't know why life doesn't get any easier, but it just doesn't. And it until it does, I guess I'll be praying to be stronger for what is right now, and what is to come.
Okay, I'm out.
So, recently I started wearing a purple wrist band (like the ones Lance Armstrong made with LIVESTRONG on it) that had 2:14 written. This is to remind me of Philippians 2:14, or to remind me not to complain or grumble. It's called the "2:14 Challenge," or something like that. You wear the wrist band around your wrist and the challenge is to go 21 days without grumbling or compaining -- the experts say it takes about 21 days to develop a habit. But, whenever you grumble or compain you're supposed to switch it over to the other wrist and start over on a new day 1.
So far I've made it to Day 1 about 8 times, but the good news is I'm only switching it about once a day. And if you've read any of my blog, you know I like to complain, so for me to be cutting back to about once a day is pretty good!
In the wonderful world of sports -- of which I am a fan, although somewhat passive -- the New England Patriots choked on the Super Bowl. Khang, say whatever you want about the Mavs or the Cowboys, but I'm pretty sure NEITHER of them ever blew a perfect season at the 'ship. Brag all you want about how you hate Dallas, but Brady and the boys had their chance to write their names on history and greatness, and instead they choked. There were no ridiculous fouls or penalties, they just gave it away.
The thing I'm looking forward to most in all of this after the fact that the Pats choked and lost, is all the cool commercials that will be coming out with Peyton and Eli. I mean, think about it. Two brothers win back-to-back Super Bowls. Don't tell me the media won't like that. We have Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade making commercials for T-Mobile because they've both played basketball at some point in their lives, we will be seeing something of the Manning brothers and their back-to-back rings.
In other news, I hate school. I have a class in just over an hour that is disastrous that I don't want to go to. Yeah. It sucks. Biblical Backgrouns. I guess now that I've complained about class it's time for me to switch my band.
I am also suffering through an epidemic with friends. Not just the usual sickness that is going around and extra-bad this year, but a lot of my friends are scattering off into weird places in life. Some have built relationships with people out of insecurity, some have become exclusive and snobbish, some have just become people I don't even know anymore. It's kind of sad, but I'm grateful and glad for the friends who are still here with me.
Thanks guys.
One thing that I've learned here recently is something Kevin said a while back. Life doesn't get easier. We have to get stronger. As we grow up and travel further through life, we have to get tougher or else we'll get knocked down and never get up. Instead of praying "God make tomorrow easier," we should be praying "God make me stronger for tomorrow." For a while now life has been too much of too much, and not enough of the things I'm needing. I've been praying "God make it easier on me" and "Why God, why?" a little too much and not enough of "God, please make me stronger for what is to come." I don't know why life doesn't get any easier, but it just doesn't. And it until it does, I guess I'll be praying to be stronger for what is right now, and what is to come.
Okay, I'm out.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
More Than A Feeling
Right at the moment, I'm struggling to keep my anger suppressed. It's not too hard, but the fact that I feel that I'm right doesn't make it any easier.
I don't really have much time or much to say, but I can do want to make a few notes.
I don't really have much time or much to say, but I can do want to make a few notes.
- I do like change
- I am very progressive and forward thinking
- I am not at a place in my life to where I can keep up with the changing tides
I say all this to say, I feel like I've hit one of my busiest and craziest seasons of life, and suddenly most all of my friends suddenly AREN'T. This is related to the same type of problematic circumstances that inspired the previous posts. To get down to it, I'm really freaking busy and my closest of close friends aren't really busy, so they get to spend all their time together and I get to see glimpses of their lives go by. What makes it worse, is that for the most part most of them don't mind that they get to spend so much of their time together, and when I bring it to their attention that I feel like things are changing and I'm unfortunately and unpermissively being left out, they can't sympathize because things for them are better than ever.
And, to be honest, I can't blame them too much, because they're experiencing genuine fellowship and I'm whining about it. It would be nice to know that they still desired my presence, but I no longer feel that vibe or connection between us. Now, to once again be completely honest, there are....extenuating circumstances surrounding even this event, however I don't want to even le that play out -- in reality, in my mind, or in this blog.
So, yeah. Just know that I've hit probably the busiest season of my life to date, and if I don't feel like I can trust the safety net of friendship that has supported me all along this year, I could fall apart.
And I'm out.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
This Could Be a Long One...
In honor of the special circumstances regarding this post, I'm not going to title this particular post with song lyrics. Sorry if you were expecting it.
I'll get right to the heart of what's on my mind (1 of 3 possible, potential topics), I have trust issues. I got blown off hXc by the group I considered my best friends this year. The people I chose to do life with more or less disowned me and left me hanging. Needless to say, screwed me up pretty bad. Imagine what you'd be like if three of your best friends quit being your best friends but still hung out together. Sucks. There are about four people from last year that I would still consider my closest of friends, and to those four I am eternally grateful and I hope and pray our friendship will continue forever.
Topic 2
My second topic is much the same. It's about our stories. Your story, my story, his story, her story, our story. Just recently I began to consider what people and characters I want to add to m story of life. I mean, think about it, for a second. When you read something like Lord of The Rings, look at the characters Frodo and Aragorn and all those guys kept with them on their journey. They were helpful, they were loyal, there was a strong bond there. Do I have a similar bond with the people in my life? Do I want to call this person a best friend? Could she be my girlfriend? Is this guy a worthy mentor, should I follow his guidance? I don't know. But it's something to think about, I think. I know for me and my life, I'm going to be a little more critical (if that's even possible for me) when I judge and consider my friends and the relations I have in life. Not to sound selfish and say that these relationships are all about me, but I don't want transient characters or even characters who will give my story a premature ending. So, yeah, something to think about.
Topic 3
The Golden Compass (which is, apparently, based on the book "The Northern Lights" by Phillip Pullman...), shall I say more. Saw the movie, it was a waste of $17, I paid for two tickets, and have now decided that yes, Pullman has a vendetta against the Catholic Church and the liturgy therein, and that it wasn't even that well made of a movie. I can wait to see the sequels on DVD, but only if I decide that's a good idea. I know that my attitude of "I decide" is the exact attitude that Christians are trying to squash out with the presence of this movie and these novels, however as God-appointed and -gifted leader for the church, I do have to decide, and I decide that not seeing them will benefit me and others in the long run.
Umm, that's all. Hit me back if you want. If not, then don't.
Have good breaks, I promise I'll blog much much more over the Xmas holiday season. May even go to the Houston area, we'll see.
Focker Out
I'll get right to the heart of what's on my mind (1 of 3 possible, potential topics), I have trust issues. I got blown off hXc by the group I considered my best friends this year. The people I chose to do life with more or less disowned me and left me hanging. Needless to say, screwed me up pretty bad. Imagine what you'd be like if three of your best friends quit being your best friends but still hung out together. Sucks. There are about four people from last year that I would still consider my closest of friends, and to those four I am eternally grateful and I hope and pray our friendship will continue forever.
Topic 2
My second topic is much the same. It's about our stories. Your story, my story, his story, her story, our story. Just recently I began to consider what people and characters I want to add to m story of life. I mean, think about it, for a second. When you read something like Lord of The Rings, look at the characters Frodo and Aragorn and all those guys kept with them on their journey. They were helpful, they were loyal, there was a strong bond there. Do I have a similar bond with the people in my life? Do I want to call this person a best friend? Could she be my girlfriend? Is this guy a worthy mentor, should I follow his guidance? I don't know. But it's something to think about, I think. I know for me and my life, I'm going to be a little more critical (if that's even possible for me) when I judge and consider my friends and the relations I have in life. Not to sound selfish and say that these relationships are all about me, but I don't want transient characters or even characters who will give my story a premature ending. So, yeah, something to think about.
Topic 3
The Golden Compass (which is, apparently, based on the book "The Northern Lights" by Phillip Pullman...), shall I say more. Saw the movie, it was a waste of $17, I paid for two tickets, and have now decided that yes, Pullman has a vendetta against the Catholic Church and the liturgy therein, and that it wasn't even that well made of a movie. I can wait to see the sequels on DVD, but only if I decide that's a good idea. I know that my attitude of "I decide" is the exact attitude that Christians are trying to squash out with the presence of this movie and these novels, however as God-appointed and -gifted leader for the church, I do have to decide, and I decide that not seeing them will benefit me and others in the long run.
Umm, that's all. Hit me back if you want. If not, then don't.
Have good breaks, I promise I'll blog much much more over the Xmas holiday season. May even go to the Houston area, we'll see.
Focker Out
Thursday, November 15, 2007
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!
Currently, I'm feeling a little conflicted. A little confused. A little hurt. A little upset. A little mad. A lot tired and ready for bed.
I'm tired of sitting down at the end of my day and saying the same thing, "Today has been a long day," or "Today has been a crap day." Once, just once, I want to sit down, at the end of my day, and say "Today has been a great day. So much was accomplished today, wow, I am so amazed."
This isn't to say that I don't have good days, not at all. I just want GREAT DAYS!!! Know what I mean? I want days that really encourage me to go to bed at night so I can wake up and have a new one just like it all over again. I want days filled with awesome growth and accomplishment, and awesome thriving relationships.
I think that's where I'd like to camp out right now. Relationships. My relationships are going everywhere. I don't understand them. Obviously, if you read my last post, I'm searching for a more personal relationship right now, which isn't really growing in a direction that I understand at the moment. The catch with that is that I have more than just that one relationship, however I think most of my relationships are growing in a direction I don't like or understand too.
I'm feeling estranged and disconnected from a lot of my friends. I always figured that as college went on, I would grow closer to the people around me, but lately it seems the people I love and cherish the most just aren't available when I need them. Whether that unavailability comes from their own choosing, or simply unfortunate circumstances, I don't know. All I can really say is that I wish those friendships were more rockin' awesome than they are now.
God, thank you for the patience to make it through this day. Thank you for the quick wit and wisdom you have provided me. I know it plays off as a vanity, but God I see it as a source of your strength in place of my weakness, and so I thank you for your strength. God, it has been a long time since I went to bed at night after a great and productive day, in love with life. I pray you grant me days like this. Please God, give me these days so I can praise you even more.
I believe that I have followed you, my Lord, and that I have trusted and sought after your side, your direction, and your leadership as Lord of my life. I know also, God, that I prayed you would humble my spirit, discipline my heart, and break my will so that I could be recreated in your spirit. I believed and expected Father that you would show me love, protect me, and enable me to serve your purpose. Yet, when I conclude all things at the end of the day, I feel lost, disconnected, like something is wrong.
God, I pray to you now that you would continue to discipline my heart, transform my mind, humble my spirit, and break my will. God, it's painful, but I so desire to be recreated to serve you. Please, God, recreate me and enable me to accomplish the ordinary, so that I would look to you and your power to bring about all the extraordinary things this life has to offer me.
Thank you God, I love you.
good night
I'm tired of sitting down at the end of my day and saying the same thing, "Today has been a long day," or "Today has been a crap day." Once, just once, I want to sit down, at the end of my day, and say "Today has been a great day. So much was accomplished today, wow, I am so amazed."
This isn't to say that I don't have good days, not at all. I just want GREAT DAYS!!! Know what I mean? I want days that really encourage me to go to bed at night so I can wake up and have a new one just like it all over again. I want days filled with awesome growth and accomplishment, and awesome thriving relationships.
I think that's where I'd like to camp out right now. Relationships. My relationships are going everywhere. I don't understand them. Obviously, if you read my last post, I'm searching for a more personal relationship right now, which isn't really growing in a direction that I understand at the moment. The catch with that is that I have more than just that one relationship, however I think most of my relationships are growing in a direction I don't like or understand too.
I'm feeling estranged and disconnected from a lot of my friends. I always figured that as college went on, I would grow closer to the people around me, but lately it seems the people I love and cherish the most just aren't available when I need them. Whether that unavailability comes from their own choosing, or simply unfortunate circumstances, I don't know. All I can really say is that I wish those friendships were more rockin' awesome than they are now.
God, thank you for the patience to make it through this day. Thank you for the quick wit and wisdom you have provided me. I know it plays off as a vanity, but God I see it as a source of your strength in place of my weakness, and so I thank you for your strength. God, it has been a long time since I went to bed at night after a great and productive day, in love with life. I pray you grant me days like this. Please God, give me these days so I can praise you even more.
I believe that I have followed you, my Lord, and that I have trusted and sought after your side, your direction, and your leadership as Lord of my life. I know also, God, that I prayed you would humble my spirit, discipline my heart, and break my will so that I could be recreated in your spirit. I believed and expected Father that you would show me love, protect me, and enable me to serve your purpose. Yet, when I conclude all things at the end of the day, I feel lost, disconnected, like something is wrong.
God, I pray to you now that you would continue to discipline my heart, transform my mind, humble my spirit, and break my will. God, it's painful, but I so desire to be recreated to serve you. Please, God, recreate me and enable me to accomplish the ordinary, so that I would look to you and your power to bring about all the extraordinary things this life has to offer me.
Thank you God, I love you.
good night
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
