No, no music quote today. I realized just now that this is my 102nd blog post to this blog, so in honor of a new "century" of blogging, I will not hold myself to using song quotes or titles to title my blog.
I've decided to call a recent phase of life "The Other Side of Love." In the past 12-15 months, I have endured some pretty crappy relationships with people. Some of it would be my responsibility, some of it would be their responsibility, but a lot of it proves that life is just very hard sometimes. But, now having gone through it, and to be slowly emerging on the other side of it, I feel like a better person, but more importantly I know I'm a better person.
A thought that has bugged my thoughts over the past few weeks deals with Jesus' commandment to love others as we love ourselves. What happens if we don't love ourselves very much, or at all, or at least very well? Are we then, to be obedient to Jesus, not to love others very much, or at all, or at least very well? This was replayed over and over again in my head for a few weeks. What I've come to learn is: Yes, it is possible not to love ourselves very much, or at all, or even very well, and unfortunately, to love others in the exact same manner.
But I've also come to learn exactly how to love myself, and how to love myself so much better than I imagined. I've learned how to embrace myself as a sinner, as a child of God, as a beggar, as a student, as a person who fails and succeeds. I've learned that it's okay for me not to be perfect, because I know the Gospel tells me as much, but I know that the Gospel also tells me that even though I'm much more lost than I could have ever feared, I'm also loved more than I could have ever hoped. That's the kind of love I've learned, and am still learning.
I've learned that if I don't love the people who suck, the people who let me down, the people who disappoint me, the people who hurt me, then I'll never love anyone, not even myself. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it's oddly comforting once you've got it down, and it's incredibly transforming once it takes effect.
I know I'm not perfect, and I'll do everything I can to no longer pretend like I should be, or that I think I could be. I'm not perfect, and I won't ever be perfect, not this side of Heaven. But, I still love myself even though I'm imperfect, and I'm learning every day how to love myself and others better.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Grace
So, to be very honest, I find myself finally admitting that I am in need of grace this week. Not that it's "This week I need grace," but more of a "This week I realized my need for grace."
For a while now I have felt and seen the need for morality, ethics, scruples, good behavior -- call it what you will, but I've noticed the lack of it first in the lives of others, and then myself. Yes, I first noticed the bad behavior of others, then moved the lens over to my own actions. I would say this is backward, but it's so far from even resembling correct that to say it is "backward" would be an insult to the actual process.
And an unfortunate side-effect of this "crusade" of mine for goodness has resulted in my attempts to point out the immorality in the lives of others, point out the wrongness, and then try and claim the "moral high ground" for myself with a "1-2-3, base on me!" mentality. However, what would happen later is that as I would be doing something that seems so commonplace and normal for my own life conviction would slap me full and hard in the face, making me so aware of my own shortcomings.
Last night, I made a real fool of myself. I mean, I probably put on a good show for the observant third-party, but more than that I really outdid myself. I cried "Foul!" and protested and I went to bed angry at the bad behavior I had observed, convicted of nothing less than "they're wrong, I know I'm right," but knowing full well that I had probably overstepped some boundary that my anger (and pride...) was blinding me to. My prayer before I fell asleep was "God, convict me of my wrongdoing, of my Sin, and help me to help You root it out."
Now that I'm awake, and have slept on it, and have apologized to those that I wronged, I have a few thoughts or reflections that come to mind: I really need to root out the immorality and the poor ethical decision making skills I have in my own life; I need to keep my mouth shut more often; though I may be correct in my judgment of what's right and wrong, I am not correct in pointing out these incorrect things; and lastly I am no better with scruples than my fellow pupils.
I see a need for help. I see a need for a higher goodness, a higher sense of accountability and a higher calling to that higher accountability. I see that I, obviously, cannot get rid of my poor decision making skills on my own. I need conviction. And in the same manner that I am not qualified to convict others of their "not goodness," I need conviction from something larger. I need conviction from God.
In short, to term it as I have learned, I need Grace. I need God's Grace to continually remind me: 1) that I am a sinner and, therefore, I am not good, and I am not even somewhat qualified to call out another sinner such as I; and 2) what a good decision is, and how to choose that good decision consistently. I need God's Grace to keep me in line. I need God's Grace to remind me that I am not better, and that I need to be better.
So, along with my pursuit to love myself better, and then to love others as I love myself, I now am learning to make better decisions, and to make better decisions more consistently, for the good of my own, but also for the good of the Body, and for the good of anyone who happens to be watching and learning from me. If you want to pray for me in this manner, or if you want to encourage me in this pursuit (or if you want to write me off completely), I appreciate your honesty with yourself, and could surely use your help.
For a while now I have felt and seen the need for morality, ethics, scruples, good behavior -- call it what you will, but I've noticed the lack of it first in the lives of others, and then myself. Yes, I first noticed the bad behavior of others, then moved the lens over to my own actions. I would say this is backward, but it's so far from even resembling correct that to say it is "backward" would be an insult to the actual process.
And an unfortunate side-effect of this "crusade" of mine for goodness has resulted in my attempts to point out the immorality in the lives of others, point out the wrongness, and then try and claim the "moral high ground" for myself with a "1-2-3, base on me!" mentality. However, what would happen later is that as I would be doing something that seems so commonplace and normal for my own life conviction would slap me full and hard in the face, making me so aware of my own shortcomings.
Last night, I made a real fool of myself. I mean, I probably put on a good show for the observant third-party, but more than that I really outdid myself. I cried "Foul!" and protested and I went to bed angry at the bad behavior I had observed, convicted of nothing less than "they're wrong, I know I'm right," but knowing full well that I had probably overstepped some boundary that my anger (and pride...) was blinding me to. My prayer before I fell asleep was "God, convict me of my wrongdoing, of my Sin, and help me to help You root it out."
Now that I'm awake, and have slept on it, and have apologized to those that I wronged, I have a few thoughts or reflections that come to mind: I really need to root out the immorality and the poor ethical decision making skills I have in my own life; I need to keep my mouth shut more often; though I may be correct in my judgment of what's right and wrong, I am not correct in pointing out these incorrect things; and lastly I am no better with scruples than my fellow pupils.
I see a need for help. I see a need for a higher goodness, a higher sense of accountability and a higher calling to that higher accountability. I see that I, obviously, cannot get rid of my poor decision making skills on my own. I need conviction. And in the same manner that I am not qualified to convict others of their "not goodness," I need conviction from something larger. I need conviction from God.
In short, to term it as I have learned, I need Grace. I need God's Grace to continually remind me: 1) that I am a sinner and, therefore, I am not good, and I am not even somewhat qualified to call out another sinner such as I; and 2) what a good decision is, and how to choose that good decision consistently. I need God's Grace to keep me in line. I need God's Grace to remind me that I am not better, and that I need to be better.
So, along with my pursuit to love myself better, and then to love others as I love myself, I now am learning to make better decisions, and to make better decisions more consistently, for the good of my own, but also for the good of the Body, and for the good of anyone who happens to be watching and learning from me. If you want to pray for me in this manner, or if you want to encourage me in this pursuit (or if you want to write me off completely), I appreciate your honesty with yourself, and could surely use your help.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It's Been A While
Believe it or not, that actually is a line from a song. I don't remember who sings it, or the name or year, but the first thing I thought to type was, "It's been a while." Huh, a song!
But yeah, it has been a while! Since I last updated I dressed up as Chewie/Hillary/Satan for Halloween; our country elected a new president; I made an 88 on my Spanish midterm, but with a 5 point curve my teacher gave me a 94 (go figure...); and I said comparing High School Musical 3 to The Dark Knight was like comparing an enchilada to a cup of coffee. All in all, I feel very proud of the things that have gone on, and the things I've accomplished.
I'm registered for next semester. 12 hours, in case you were wondering. Intermediate Greek II, History of the Baptists, Advanced Composition and Stylistics of the Spanish language, Life Lessons (1-hr seminar), and Applied Music - Piano. 12 hours. Not so sure what's going to happen next semester, but I can honestly say it'll be unlike anything I've had up until now. The thought occurs to me "What might my life be like if I loaded up with 15 hours, took regular classes like everyone else, and didn't try to avoid a FULL load with 1-hr electives, like piano?" I think the answer would be something along the lines of me feeling like I'm missing out on my "college experience." Anyway.
Been reading a good book in Christian Counseling. The Emotionally Healthy Church, by Pete Scazzero. Great book. If you have time, I highly recommend it. I boldly and itallicaly recommend it. It is doing wonders for me as a book of meditation and discipleship.
As I'm typing this, I'm actually on duty in the clubhouse and one of my residents just walked in to talk. This particular resident is from India, he is an international student and is studying for his Master's at UMHB in Information Systems (a computer science thing). He wants to know if I can take him to Dallas for Thanksgiving. Sounds like a kind of...neat experience for me, and yet I am kind of bewildered. I never imagined sharing my Turkey Day holiday with anybody other than my family, and I have never actually taken a friend home from UMHB. How...interesting that an opportunity arises for me to open up my family to a few Indian fellows.
Speaking of Master's degrees, I have decided to go to seminary. Not sure which one just yet, but my top considerations at the moment are (in no particular order): (1) Dallas Theological Seminary; (2) Denver Seminary; and (3) B.H. Carroll Theological Institute, or something like that, I can't remember quite clearly. Not real sure where, yet. There are perks of all of them that I like, I just don't know where I'll buckle down, or if God will completely change my mind and I'll choose something way out of the way. I guess time will tell. I guess also I need to hit up Grant Hickman for a "tag-along-day" to Dallas to see what his classes are like, and also an adventurous road trip to Denver to see what Denver Seminary is like. B.H. Carroll is all online, so that has appeal right there, in and of itself. So, I guess if you wanted to pray for me to be open about these possibilities, that'd be nice, but I'm not asking or demanding. Just stating I've made a decision.
Okay friends, all for now. Maybe I'll update again, after two weeks!
But yeah, it has been a while! Since I last updated I dressed up as Chewie/Hillary/Satan for Halloween; our country elected a new president; I made an 88 on my Spanish midterm, but with a 5 point curve my teacher gave me a 94 (go figure...); and I said comparing High School Musical 3 to The Dark Knight was like comparing an enchilada to a cup of coffee. All in all, I feel very proud of the things that have gone on, and the things I've accomplished.
I'm registered for next semester. 12 hours, in case you were wondering. Intermediate Greek II, History of the Baptists, Advanced Composition and Stylistics of the Spanish language, Life Lessons (1-hr seminar), and Applied Music - Piano. 12 hours. Not so sure what's going to happen next semester, but I can honestly say it'll be unlike anything I've had up until now. The thought occurs to me "What might my life be like if I loaded up with 15 hours, took regular classes like everyone else, and didn't try to avoid a FULL load with 1-hr electives, like piano?" I think the answer would be something along the lines of me feeling like I'm missing out on my "college experience." Anyway.
Been reading a good book in Christian Counseling. The Emotionally Healthy Church, by Pete Scazzero. Great book. If you have time, I highly recommend it. I boldly and itallicaly recommend it. It is doing wonders for me as a book of meditation and discipleship.
As I'm typing this, I'm actually on duty in the clubhouse and one of my residents just walked in to talk. This particular resident is from India, he is an international student and is studying for his Master's at UMHB in Information Systems (a computer science thing). He wants to know if I can take him to Dallas for Thanksgiving. Sounds like a kind of...neat experience for me, and yet I am kind of bewildered. I never imagined sharing my Turkey Day holiday with anybody other than my family, and I have never actually taken a friend home from UMHB. How...interesting that an opportunity arises for me to open up my family to a few Indian fellows.
Speaking of Master's degrees, I have decided to go to seminary. Not sure which one just yet, but my top considerations at the moment are (in no particular order): (1) Dallas Theological Seminary; (2) Denver Seminary; and (3) B.H. Carroll Theological Institute, or something like that, I can't remember quite clearly. Not real sure where, yet. There are perks of all of them that I like, I just don't know where I'll buckle down, or if God will completely change my mind and I'll choose something way out of the way. I guess time will tell. I guess also I need to hit up Grant Hickman for a "tag-along-day" to Dallas to see what his classes are like, and also an adventurous road trip to Denver to see what Denver Seminary is like. B.H. Carroll is all online, so that has appeal right there, in and of itself. So, I guess if you wanted to pray for me to be open about these possibilities, that'd be nice, but I'm not asking or demanding. Just stating I've made a decision.
Okay friends, all for now. Maybe I'll update again, after two weeks!
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