Grace

So, to be very honest, I find myself finally admitting that I am in need of grace this week. Not that it's "This week I need grace," but more of a "This week I realized my need for grace."

For a while now I have felt and seen the need for morality, ethics, scruples, good behavior -- call it what you will, but I've noticed the lack of it first in the lives of others, and then myself. Yes, I first noticed the bad behavior of others, then moved the lens over to my own actions. I would say this is backward, but it's so far from even resembling correct that to say it is "backward" would be an insult to the actual process.

And an unfortunate side-effect of this "crusade" of mine for goodness has resulted in my attempts to point out the immorality in the lives of others, point out the wrongness, and then try and claim the "moral high ground" for myself with a "1-2-3, base on me!" mentality. However, what would happen later is that as I would be doing something that seems so commonplace and normal for my own life conviction would slap me full and hard in the face, making me so aware of my own shortcomings.

Last night, I made a real fool of myself. I mean, I probably put on a good show for the observant third-party, but more than that I really outdid myself. I cried "Foul!" and protested and I went to bed angry at the bad behavior I had observed, convicted of nothing less than "they're wrong, I know I'm right," but knowing full well that I had probably overstepped some boundary that my anger (and pride...) was blinding me to. My prayer before I fell asleep was "God, convict me of my wrongdoing, of my Sin, and help me to help You root it out."

Now that I'm awake, and have slept on it, and have apologized to those that I wronged, I have a few thoughts or reflections that come to mind: I really need to root out the immorality and the poor ethical decision making skills I have in my own life; I need to keep my mouth shut more often; though I may be correct in my judgment of what's right and wrong, I am not correct in pointing out these incorrect things; and lastly I am no better with scruples than my fellow pupils.

I see a need for help. I see a need for a higher goodness, a higher sense of accountability and a higher calling to that higher accountability. I see that I, obviously, cannot get rid of my poor decision making skills on my own. I need conviction. And in the same manner that I am not qualified to convict others of their "not goodness," I need conviction from something larger. I need conviction from God.

In short, to term it as I have learned, I need Grace. I need God's Grace to continually remind me: 1) that I am a sinner and, therefore, I am not good, and I am not even somewhat qualified to call out another sinner such as I; and 2) what a good decision is, and how to choose that good decision consistently. I need God's Grace to keep me in line. I need God's Grace to remind me that I am not better, and that I need to be better.

So, along with my pursuit to love myself better, and then to love others as I love myself, I now am learning to make better decisions, and to make better decisions more consistently, for the good of my own, but also for the good of the Body, and for the good of anyone who happens to be watching and learning from me. If you want to pray for me in this manner, or if you want to encourage me in this pursuit (or if you want to write me off completely), I appreciate your honesty with yourself, and could surely use your help.