Sunday's Here! Hallelujah!

I have no idea if those are the exact right words and punctuation, but oh well.

So, the week of hell is over. I finished my book review last night -- erm, this morning -- around 4 am. I've got to say, it's pretty good. Probably one of the better papers I've written in college so far. I don't think I could have written a better one even if I had read my book cover to cover and all over again a few times. I feel that good about it.
But, there is a catch to my happiness.
I set two alarms last night when I went to bed, one for 8:30 and another for 8:36, and slept through BOTH OF THEM!!! The paper was due at 9 and I didn't wake until a little after 10!!! Oh man, the first thing I did was pull out the laptop and email Dr. Bryant my paper with the most sincere apology I could write after being awake for only 10 minutes. Gah, I hope he accepts it.
And, the Mass Media project.
So, I'm not going to lie, this project is probably one of the best I've EVER done at anything, and I haven't really felt more proud of or been more encouraged to do the work for any project more than this one. My project, in case you were wondering, was to analyze the Star Wars films and compare the elements, characters, themes, events in the movie to corresponding Christian elements, characters, themes, events etc. So, for example, Anakin Skywalker's fall is an echo of the Fall of Man, and Luke Skywalker's redemption of his father from the Dark Side is a parallel of Christ's redemptive work on the cross.
Well.
With about two or three minutes left in my presentation, MRS. VICTORIA KENDIG, decides to interject her own opinion. She says, "I don't really like it when people try to compare Christ to other characters. And I think this is probably one of the worst I've seen..."
Oh yeah.
I tried to wait and see if she was going to finish that with some sort of sarcastic punch-line, or maybe turn it around to at least try and be constructive, but no. She said a few more things that furthered her point, but WHO THE HECK INSULTS A STUDENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR PRESENTATION!?!?!?!?
Furthermore, if she had such a problem with my topic and the material I would be presenting, why did she approve my topic in the first place when she first received my proposal, THREE MONTHS AGO?!?!?!? She's had plenty of time to let me know this would offend her, or at least possibly be inappropriate, why the heck would she wait until the MIDDLE of my presentation to do so?
Yeah.
I.
WAS.
MAD!

Believe it or not, but life is not apparently about me anyways

Much to do, much to say.
I want to be a thespian. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to act. I'm coming out of the closet and confessing that I have some deep and awkward desire to perform. I like to think I'm funny, I like to think I'm a decent actor, I like to think I can write well. I have some deep and awkward desire to perform.
Ha! There it is!

This week I have a huge project due in one class, a huge paper due in another, and constant daily work and an essay due in all my other classes. This could very well be my last blog for a while. I do now know, but it could be.
Thanksgiving Break was not that great for me. I would have rather spent more time asleep, but that's trivial at this point. I got kind of sick too, and that just sucked. No way around it, I hated being sick on Thanksgiving. And to be honest, I'm still not back to 100% yet either. I hate it. I hate it. Didn't get to eat a whole lot.
Watched a lot of movies, though, spent a lot of time INSIDE my house, played a lot on the internet, and well, yeah that's it.
This is becomming a ramble because I'm procrastinating. Goodbye.

And we, we love you. We love you, Lord, we love you. We love you.

It's amazing to me how often I forget these words. I want to climb up on my high horse and tell God what I want and need and expect, and I forget what He's already said to me.

God, humble my heart, discipline it to your will. Break my will, oh Lord, and transform my mind. Consume me with your strength and your presence, break me down so I may be made new in you again. Please, hold on to me so that I never leave your side.
Thank You
Amen

"Its the beauty of simplicity
That brings me down to my knees
Praise You for eternity
And Lord I love you because you, you first loved me"

The First Noel

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are Cinderella. You are hard-working and never complain, however, your trust is sometimes misplaced and people sometimes take advantage of you. Still, you are beautiful inside and out, and one day you will realize it and find true love.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Please don't be misled by the title. This is not a Christmas blog. Not that I don't like Christmas, or that I won't blog about Christmas, that is simply the song on the radio behind me as I"m typing.
And, as I've already alluded to, I'm awake, typing on my laptop listening to Christmas music on 94.9 KLTY. And it's 5:33. AM. Go me.
I like to get real sentimental around holiday times, and I always hate it. I usually like to think and dream about how my life could be, but isn't really. I think one of the most satisfying Thanksgivings I've ever had was either last year or when I was a junior in high school. And I wasn't sentimental at those times.
I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and swollen neck. I felt just about awful, and I ended up napping twice yesterday, not doing any of my homework. This morning, I woke up a little over an hour ago, and I'm blogging and Facebooking instead of reading and translating.
The one thought that I have wanted to blog for a few days or so now is about dating. Yes, I know I blogged a few weeks ago about "Pursuing A Girl," but that wasn't about dating in the sense of what I'm thinking

I'm going to come right out and say it. My dad never taught me how to date a girl. He never talked to me about how to "woo" a princess, or even to see a girl as a princess. Sure, I got the sex-talk when I was in 5th grade after my D.A.R.E. graduation, but there was a never a talk about what dating is, how to ask a girl on a date, when to back off and when to push forward, things to say and things not to say -- I never got that talk. Is that a talk guys have with their dads these days?
I know that I can watch shows like "Home Improvement" and I see Tim Taylor giving his oldest son Brad tips and advice for going dancing with his girl Jennifer, and I watch movies and see moms and daughters sitting around talking about "their man/men," but I know for a fact that doesn't happen in my family.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad and I wouldn't trade them for anyone, but I realized just Wednesday that he never sat me down and explained to me more fully the crazy world of girls and dating.
So, what do I resolve to do about this? Continue to figure things out the best I can on my own. And that means "things" that are "Dad-ward" and "girl-ward;" I will try and attempt to understand girls better on my part, but I will also try to find a common ground where my dad and I can meet to talk about such things. I don't know if it will work. I don't know if he'll come to me, and I don't know if I'll ever understand things with girls more than I do now. I probably will just because I've learned a lot about them just this semester alone, and that proves to me I have much more to learn, but still. Girls are awkward and hard to figure out.
Anyway, before this becomes a ramble, I'll sign off. Hopefully, I'll feel better today. Hopefully the swelling will go down, my throat will relax, and I can hang up Christmas lights as well as do homework.
Or at least hang up Christmas lights.

I'm out

It starts at my toes makes me crinkle my nose

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatpartofthanksgivingareyouquiz/">What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Everybody Wants To Be A Cat

My blogs, thoughts, prayers, and stool have been real heavy lately, so this is going to be a little lighter, a little less heavy. A little more relaxed, and, hopefully for you Khang, a little shorter.
Well, not my stool, that's just a joke.

Thanksgiving is in a few days, and if I don't slow down I just might miss it. If I don't take a few more breaths, take a few steps back, and slow my motor down, I just might miss one of the best, most American holidays ever conceived.
As I'm sitting in my office -- yes, my office -- I get this feeling of..."Hey, I'm there!" I remember so distinctly being a high school student with confusing aspirations towards ministry watching and learning from young guys, college-aged or barely out of college, as they work and do ministry, working inside a church building. Now, as I sit here, in my office, I want to claim that satisfaction in God and realize that I'm in that place too, now, sort of. I'm an intern for a large church, I have an office, I do things that a minister does, and it feels kind of cool.
Like I said, nothing real deep and heavy. Just an appreciative note.
Hope this was short enough for you Khang-a-Lang

I am free to run

*"For if I want to boast, I will not be a fool, because I will be telling the truth. But I will spare you, so that no one can credit me with something beyond what he sees in me or hears from me, especially because of the extraordinary revelations. Therefore, so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so I would not exalt myself. Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, in insults, in catastrophes, in persecutions, and in pressures. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:6-10

God, make me weak. Please, oh God, please, make me weak.



*Holman Christian Standard Bible

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

Currently, I'm feeling a little conflicted. A little confused. A little hurt. A little upset. A little mad. A lot tired and ready for bed.

I'm tired of sitting down at the end of my day and saying the same thing, "Today has been a long day," or "Today has been a crap day." Once, just once, I want to sit down, at the end of my day, and say "Today has been a great day. So much was accomplished today, wow, I am so amazed."
This isn't to say that I don't have good days, not at all. I just want GREAT DAYS!!! Know what I mean? I want days that really encourage me to go to bed at night so I can wake up and have a new one just like it all over again. I want days filled with awesome growth and accomplishment, and awesome thriving relationships.
I think that's where I'd like to camp out right now. Relationships. My relationships are going everywhere. I don't understand them. Obviously, if you read my last post, I'm searching for a more personal relationship right now, which isn't really growing in a direction that I understand at the moment. The catch with that is that I have more than just that one relationship, however I think most of my relationships are growing in a direction I don't like or understand too.
I'm feeling estranged and disconnected from a lot of my friends. I always figured that as college went on, I would grow closer to the people around me, but lately it seems the people I love and cherish the most just aren't available when I need them. Whether that unavailability comes from their own choosing, or simply unfortunate circumstances, I don't know. All I can really say is that I wish those friendships were more rockin' awesome than they are now.

God, thank you for the patience to make it through this day. Thank you for the quick wit and wisdom you have provided me. I know it plays off as a vanity, but God I see it as a source of your strength in place of my weakness, and so I thank you for your strength. God, it has been a long time since I went to bed at night after a great and productive day, in love with life. I pray you grant me days like this. Please God, give me these days so I can praise you even more.
I believe that I have followed you, my Lord, and that I have trusted and sought after your side, your direction, and your leadership as Lord of my life. I know also, God, that I prayed you would humble my spirit, discipline my heart, and break my will so that I could be recreated in your spirit. I believed and expected Father that you would show me love, protect me, and enable me to serve your purpose. Yet, when I conclude all things at the end of the day, I feel lost, disconnected, like something is wrong.
God, I pray to you now that you would continue to discipline my heart, transform my mind, humble my spirit, and break my will. God, it's painful, but I so desire to be recreated to serve you. Please, God, recreate me and enable me to accomplish the ordinary, so that I would look to you and your power to bring about all the extraordinary things this life has to offer me.
Thank you God, I love you.

good night

It's a Beautiful Day

Holy crap. I love those two words. Hmm.

It's good to be blogging again. I know I blogged early-early yesterday morning, but I feel as if I've lived a thousand lifetimes since then.
GOOD NEWS!!! I've put more thought to the whole "pursuing-a-girl" jazz. Umm, here it goes:

• I've started with prayer. Before I go to be at night, I pray. Before I get too far into my day, I pray. It's, uh, been interesting. My prayers have grown from "God, grant me the enabling to simply be a friend," to something much deeper and more intimate. I don't note this to build myself up and sound ultra-pious, but to let you know that I have grown. The depth to which God has grown me is a little too personal for a blog on the world wide web, but I have suddenly grown into a new relationship and understanding with God my Father. It's a relationship of sacrifice, because for all I know God may answer my prayer with a new direction, but it's a necessary step that must be taken.
• I've also learned a huge lesson in respect and self-control and patience. I know it's not fair for me to throw three of those into one like that, however they all just kind of came at me in one thought because I see how they are related. I'll try to divide and conquer so it's a little more easy to understand.
  When pursuing a girl and a lady and a woman of God, you have to understand before almost anything else that she is a person too, with her own story, her own friends, her own life, her own choices to make. The next step in that understanding is embracing respect for her story, her friends, her life, her choices. It then takes self-control and patience to constantly remind yourself NOT to monopolize and consume her time, and to respect how she chooses to interact with the above in her day-to-day.
• This leaves us with honesty. Honesty with yourself, honesty with her, honesty with God, honesty with your friends and her friends, and honesty with society at large. People aren't stupid, however they are prone to persuasion, and the more time and energy you invest in some one the more easily he or she will be persuaded to perceive care and concern on your part. If it is real, and genuine, then honesty will continue to carry the relationship on to wherever it leads. If it is misinterpreted and wrong, then honesty will steer the relationship to its next point in life. At either end of the spectrum, honesty is huge.

I don't know if you can get anything out of this, but it's just what I've come across and discovered in the past couple of days. Please don't be fooled into thinking that because I have discovered these joys that I am putting them into practice and "perfecting my craft" (it's an expression, not a statement of fact), almost the opposite; I would actually want to urge you to understand that my story has been one of struggle, one of sacrificing my pride and interests for the betterment of the relationship, and in their place I have chased after the elements mentioned above.
Having said all of this, there is a very obvious elephant in the room. If this post has lead you to the assuming question that perhaps I am speaking from recent, practical experience, then yes is your answer.

To change topics slightly, this should not be much longer, I am tired. I have not been sleeping as much as need be in the past few nights, and I think my contact lenses have been out of my eyes more than 8 hours once in the last 12 days. Tonight, I want to go to bed early, and sleep well.
I've noticed that with the steady decline in my sleep I've also seen a noticable increase in my agitation come daybreak, and a decrease in my performance in my academic, social, and physical endeavors (the day-to-day hustle and bustle) and I hope that by committing to more sleep tonight that I can awake refreshed and restrengthened for a new, beautiful day. That's what I strive for, and I think after all things are stripped away from today, I can say with honesty that it has been a beautiful day.

What is Love? Baby don't hurt me/Last daaaance/My life got flipped turned upside down

So, at the risk of sounding too utterly dramatic and throwing caution to the wind, I'm going to say this much about my weekend and feelings about said weekend:
What is Love? -- Yeah, holy crap, that sums up the weekend.
Last daaaance -- I wish, I hopefully freaking wish.
My life got flipped turned upside down -- As if my life could not get any crazier than it already was, or as crazy as I thought it already was, in a search for peace tonight I eventually ended up getting something way less than that. I love my friends, but I'm starting to live in the greys, and I don't like it. We need to back out and get some definition.

I'd love to write more, but I don't think I can. Umm, life is crap, or something like it, so make the most of it because it's really not.

A long, long time ago, I can still remember

Today has been butt-diggity long. Long, long, long. Why?

Tonight was FYC's infamous "Date Auction: The Bachelor." I really do love how cool college is. It cracks me up. Anyway.
Tonight was Date Auction, and, I had fun, but I'm tired. I'm tired physically, I'm tired mentally, I'm tired socially, I'm tired spiritually. Between work, and class, and homework for class, and FBC, and RA, and Date Auction, and SGA, and intramurals, and balancing friends and a social life and this and that and this and that and on and on and on, I'm tired. As a sabattical, I turn to blogging to release my tiredness.

I'm tired physically. My sleeping pattern has evolved into stay-up-late-working-hard-and-then-go-to-sleep-early-on-a-weekend-and-sleep-in. It does not work that way.
I'm tired mentally. One of the worst part of my pride and vanity is that I try to do everything myself and bare my own burdens on my strength. By the end of the day, my mind is worn out taking care of myself, and then it has homework to do. Not to mention the fact that people come to me asking for my help in whatever they're doing more than I'm starting to like.
I'm tired socially. This has a lot to do with that last one. Evidently I'm cool or popular or well-liked or well-known or something, so people want me to participate in what they're doing. People want me to give them advice on dating girls, or how to handle relationships, or, at the least, they want 5 minutes of my time in Hardy when I could just be eating and enjoying the quiet.
I'm tired spiritually. God, I feel like we've been over and over this one a little too frequently. I've just started this new job and I'm excited because I've been honored with the blessing of leading your people and your church, but God I don't know how to use my gifts in the role in which I'm currently serving. I don't mind inheriting responsibility, but with that responsibility give me the freedom and the authority to use my gifts in service to you.

I know this post is more of a whine than a philosophic pondering. If you want something to ponder, tell me what you think about neo-platonic love and relationships under neo-platonism. Guys should be friends with guys so they don't fall victims to lust and depravity; kissing is like touching souls and looking into a person's eyes is to see them as they really are -- that kind of good stuff. It's something that's been kicking around inside my head, I've just not formalized my position(s) yet.
Good
Night

The Circle of Life

I feel like Darth Vader right at the moment. Wheeze in, wheeze out. Wheeze in, wheeze out.
I just tried to play some ultimate frisbee in the cold, wearing a Hanes Tagless-T and corduroy pants. Brilliant, I know. My asthma just loooooooooooves the cold, especially when I'm underprepared.

However, it is that action that brings me to my thought(s) tonight. I should not have been playing ultimate frisbee. Sure, it's good exercise. Sure, it's a lot of fun. Sure, I can meet new people and spend time with Brack doing what he likes to do. But my main incentive is that extra incentive. Call me childish to call myself out and berate myself for my foolishness, but I went out there out of extra incentive. Out of PRIDE.
As I was at work today, I contemplated male pride, my pride. I can do just about anything out of motivation for pride. Especially the college me. In high school, I was much more modest. But after the past two and a half semesters at UMHB my head has swolen much larger than any Freshman 15 could claim. I'm a cocky guy. I'll admit it.
What do I do for pride? Stunt Night. SGA. Ultimate Frisbee.
What am I seeking? Recognition, respect, honor; her recognition, her respect, her honor.
What do I really achieve? Foolishness, a name tag, lungs frozen shut, a strawberry on my knee.
Why do I do it? Because I'm a guy. I have pride.

Anyway. I'm sorry if this isn't really that interesting to you. I don't blog for your sanity, I do it for mine. I do it in an act of escapism, a sabbatical from the rush and gush. Tonight's was much more mellow, not so deep, and I realize that in a few months time (hopefully) this particular post will look a little outdated -- emotionally. But for now, it's a good scape goat for my frustrations with, well, myself.
Haha, good night

'Cause suicide is painless, it brings on many changes

Lately, I've struggled with doing things for me. I want to do something for some one else, so I jump into it. Forgive me, this isn't really going to be a logical or coherent thought, and it may come across rather unpolished. So for now, just accept that I need to start re-committing things back to myself.

I've been having odd dreams lately. I'll pick on Friday night. I dreamt I was going back to Romania. It was amazing. I got to see all the loved ones I have in Bucharest, and I had the whole summer ahead of me.
It reminds me of a crazy dream that I have that, I guess, I'll let out into the open. I would love the opportunity to go to Romania and teach. I would love to spend a summer in Romania, learning the language, loving the people, and edifying the body. Before I left for Romania I had this crazy idea that I could do just that next summer. The last night there Soterius (pastor of AlfaOmega) asked me if my dad (who he found out was a professor) would be interested in coming to Romania to teach basic bible classes in a university type setting. I can't exactly speak for my dad, although we did talk about this and he wasn't opposed to the idea, however I know that if that opportunity was presented to me I would have my bags packed the next day.
So, there it is. God, I would love to go to Romania and teach about You. If You want this too, make it happen. I love you.

I've also had a multitude of different things happening in the past few days/weeks. As my previous post (two, actually...) would indicate, I am now working at FBC Belton. I'm interning with Jason Goings, the Assistant Pastor and College and Missions Minister. Today was my first day. It was a crazy long one, I spent four hours trying to acclimated to the atmosphere of FBC Belton, but I'm starting to like it. When I was a youth I wanted to do youth ministry, now as a college student I'm getting to do college ministry from an intern's perspective, so maybe when I'm more grown than now I'll get to do adult ministry.
To be completely honest, I feel called and gifted into teaching and pastoral ministry. God has granted me an amazing mind that can think and learn and understand and teach, and a heart that desires to disciple the lost and the church, and I want to use those gifts for Him, for Christ's Body. I wish I could jump up and say college ministry is the passion of my heart, but honestly ministering to those around me, feeling and meeting their needs, and struggling to figure out how to persevere in Christ is really my passion. So, if along the way, I get to work with college students, it'll be okay.

Something else that has been flying around has been the issue/idea/topic of dating. More specifically, "pursuing a girl." If I had a quarter for every time I have heard a girl say to me this semester "I want a boy to pursue me...You're the boy, so pursue her...As the man in the relationship, it is the man's job to pursue the woman..." I once -- 10th grade, mind you -- had the bold notion of recording my thoughts on the art of pursuing girls, yet it never quite came to fruition. Por que no? I was too lazy. Last night, though, I put away some serious thought in this direction, and I ended up going a little deeper than what I'm ready for. Although, I haven't followed my thoughts out to their logical end yet, so maybe my MO is somewhere along the way of the biblical pursuit of a woman. I don't know. Just a thought. I can say this much, though, when I do figure out more of this, I'll be sure to post it here. For now, I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, and figure them out along the way.

And finally, I'm starting to discover that blogging is something very cathartic for me. I used to be in such a great habit of blogging constantly, however with the uprising of MySpace and the downfall of Xanga I fell out of the saddle. Today I discovered that Daniel Rowe makes a concerted effort to blog just about once a day and I was jealous. Even as I am typing, I'm realizing that blogging is a good way to purge troublesome thoughts from the soul, and write out my problems into words to grasp them more tangibly. He made the comment "I get paid to blog," and I suddenly realized the need I have for consistency and positive habits in my life. Maybe not patterns, but discipline. I have a strong need to fill a lackadaisical hole in my life with discipline, and I'd like to think that blogging could be one piece to what is missing.

Thank you